Taking Pleasure in the Small Things
Like so many of us, one of the things I have been learning over the last few months is how to process what has passed. The job I loved and have left has already changed so much that even if I had returned, what I knew would already be gone.
During lockdown, it was initially easy not to think about this too much…I think many of us thought and hoped it would pass fairly quickly – but as the time went on, and it didn’t pass, and many of us woke up to uncertain futures, one of the things we needed to do was acknowledge that we needed to process and grieve for our loss. I certainly did. I have learned that it is ok to feel sad about this and ok not to be ok, but I have also learned that you can’t stay like that forever or else you risk spiralling into the kind of self despair that becomes destructive.
Navel gazing for a while is ok, allowing the sadness and despair to dominate your every thought is not something that is sustainable and I am aware that I have had a choice. I had a choice about taking redundancy unlike so many others who had it forced on them. I also have a choice about how long I choose to stay standing still in this place of sadness. Anyone who actually knows me already knows that standing still is not something I really do – but it’s also important to understand that beneath the veneer of “I’m ok, it was the right thing to do, something good will be on the horizon” as so many of us are saying to ourselves and each other, is the reality of feelings of failure, letting our families down, letting our companies down in some cases, and wondering if we have wasted the last x years of our lives by walking away now.
Of course we haven’t done any of those things, and I haven’t done any of those things. I keep reminding myself that I am not walking away from the job I loved in normal times. I am stepping back from something that has fundamentally changed in the middle of the kind of crisis the world has not seen for 80 years. The training wasn’t wasted because of everything I achieved. I haven’t let anyone down because the reality is that although I now have no income, I have contributed towards my children’s schooling and university and they are almost over the finish line. I haven’t failed because I have made an informed and well thought through decision with the information I have in front of me now.
This week has been full of landmarks for me. My last day of paid employment was on Wednesday which I spent sorting through my flight bag, smiling at memories brought back by the things that were in it – a small orange dinosaur being one of the happiest memories – and packing it away into the loft for now. It’s still there for when I need it next but I don’t need to look at it every day to remind me of what I am no longer doing.
At Project Wingman we passed our 6 month anniversary this week which was celebrated with a virtual bake off! How annoying not to be able to eat any of the gorgeous cakes that were on offer! This also prompted a message from me to our volunteers, thanking everyone for all the hard work they have put in. Volunteering for something for a couple of months is one thing but 6 months on, people are still giving phenomenal amounts of time to support our friends in the NHS and that is truly humbling.
Beginning the process of moving on has involved taking pleasure in seemingly small things for me. It felt sad to pack things away into the loft for now, but it was necessary, and in the meantime, I have been able to enjoy things that I haven’t always had enough time for before. Like so many people I have grown more food this year than I have ever grown before and the pleasure I take from harvesting it and cooking it is immense. I have finished reading a book, I have walked on the beach in the rain, I have walked on the beach when it was still, with one of my daughters and we could hear the seals crying as they often do, I have walked on the beach with some of the biggest waves I have seen for a long time crashing down and it was so good, I sat and watched it for a while just because I can. The beach has been and will be a big part of my journey into what comes next!
And then this morning, I have hugely enjoyed listening to these two pieces of music. Highland Cathedral I have always loved but didn’t know it had words as a hymn! Be thou my Vision is another favourite and I loved how it sounded with the violin. I have a musical and artistic background that I fully intend to reconnect with and I hope that regardless of whether or not you believe the words of these two hymns, you also enjoy the music – this is from my children’s school as they have learned to adapt to online chapel. These are some of the small things that lift my spirits and keep my head above water.
