Do you miss it…?
The question I am most frequently asked after “Mum, where are my trainers/car keys/sunglasses etc” is “Do you miss it”.
Friends who have known me for years, strangers who know who I am because of the work that I have done and do now, and especially people I have just met who find out (because I have told them obviously – once a pilot, always a pilot!) what I used to do all wonder if there are times when I wish I was still flying.
The honest answer is this: I miss elements of what I used to do – I miss “Captain Emma”, I miss knowing that I always tried to be as good as I could possibly be at something I loved with passion that was fierce enough to get me out of bed at 3am to go to work with a smile on my face, fierce enough to allow me to justify my 600 mile commute to work, fierce enough to also justify missing my childrens birthdays, family get together and good times with good friends.
It was a passion that burned in my soul for years and I assumed would burn forever. Except it didn’t.
I never planned to leave flying until I was at retirement age, but it is a fact that when you live 600 miles away from where you work, and you commute by air, and something comes along to make that commute impossible, it makes you re-assess your priorities – and that is exactly what I was doing this time two years ago.
My airline had put the offer of Voluntary Redundancy on the table and I had been mulling it over with my husband (who has been my number one champion throughout my entire career). It was a situation I had never thought I would find myself in, and it was becoming more and more appealing the more I thought about it.
Yes, I loved sitting at the end of the runway waiting for a take off clearance at dusk (my favourite time of day to fly) knowing that I was about to get 68 tonnes of Airbus into the skies above Europe, and yes, I loved nailing a more complex than usual landing in to somewhere different – think max crosswind on a stormy night into the Isle of Man with its short runway for example – and I even didn’t mind driving to work in the snow, knowing there was no chance of getting away on time if at all.
Every single day was different, and I loved all of it.
When you love something that much, and put so much of yourself into it, with the benefit of hindsight, I think it’s inevitable that at some point, something has to give.
When I look back on this time I can see that there were many reasons why I felt as I did by August 17, 2020, but the trigger on that day was a simple phone call which made me realise that after all the hard work, and all the extra “stuff” I had willingly done, I was still just a number on a spreadsheet and I can remember clearly, coming home, going straight to my computer and pushing the “eject” button, the one that would end my career as an airline captain for now and possibly forever.
Two years on from that day, I can honestly say that I don’t have any regrets. Yes, there are elements that I miss, but I made a rational, well thought through, much discussed decision, with all the facts in front of me at the time, and it was the right one.
There is no point in looking back with regret, I look back at my career with an enormous sense of pride. The hard work WAS worth it, the letters and emails I still get now remind me that putting my head above the parapet with Inside the Cockpit, did, and still does inspire people to follow their dreams – and gave us all a few laughs along the way!
Is it scary making a decision that will cut your family income by 3/5? Yes! Is there an identity crisis that comes with walking away from something you know so well into the unknown? Yes! Are there moments when you wonder what the hell you were thinking? Absolutely!!!
Would I make the same decision if I had that chance again…? 100% yes and I will talk about why in my next post!!
